


Letters to my Family

by Rebekah_Zellers



Series: Tadpole Series [35]
Category: NCIS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 13:30:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16041437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebekah_Zellers/pseuds/Rebekah_Zellers
Summary: Tony writes letters to his beautiful family





	1. Thaddeus

Thaddeus,

I will never really understand what inspired me to sit down and write these letters to my children, but I wanted to take the time to show you how much you changed my life and how proud that I am of you. 

The day that I first laid eyes on you, wrapped up in a blanket clutching TeeNozzo, in your grandpa’s arms, my life changed forever. You were so fragile and looked broken, I knew that I would help Gibbs fix things for you.

I never pictured myself as a father, I never thought it was something that would be possible for me. Here I am, a single father of six children. Each of you are so different, so unique and have touched my heart, each of you complete me.

You, my precious child, have made me a better person. From you, I learned to believe in magic and teddy bears. I went from being an investigator that only saw the jaded aspect of life, to a man that believed in Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy, all because of you. You taught me about imagination and heart.

You showed me that if you believe, anything is possible. My Tadpole taught me about love and grace. He taught me that forgiveness is not always easy, but it’s worth it when you really love someone. He taught me how to love without bounds. My son taught me how to open my heart along with my mind to go places, to do things and be someone that takes joy in life.

You, my son, made me strive to be a better person, every single day of my life. I worked to be the man, the dad, that you could be proud of. I struggled at times, I know that I wasn’t always the best example for you to follow. I know that my attitude was sometimes less than stellar, but you always forgave me. You always forgive me and through that you taught me unconditional love.

I was looking through my journal before I sat down to write this letter to you, the little boy that hated pokies is going to be a doctor. I really didn’t see that coming. I pictured you to be a politician, the way you lead the pack. 

Today, I watched you get in your car, check your wallet and pull out of the driveway. I followed you, I know you didn’t need me to, but I wanted to make sure that you were going to be okay. I watched you drive to the florist, I followed you to the cemetery. I watched you place flowers on your parent’s graves. You sat and talked to them for an hour, I listened from behind that old oak tree as you told them about everything in your life. That hour was so hard for me, listening to you sniffle as you struggled not to cry, I wanted to hold you and make it all better. This was the first time that you celebrated their anniversary without me.

I blinked and you became a man. A good man, a man that is going to make someone very happy. You’re going to be a great husband and a wonderful father when the time comes.

Your capacity to love, I have no words to describe. I remember when you grandpa Jack was dying. You didn’t want him to feel alone so you crawled in with him, wrapped yourself around him and waited until your grandpa crawled in on the other side. With a voice a soft and calm, you looked at your grandpa and told him that you loved him before turning to Grandpa Jack. Calmly, you whispered in his ear that you’d look after Gibbs and that it was okay to go. Jackson opened his eyes told all of he loves us then he was gone, a smile on his face. Even though my heart was shattered, I was overcome with so much pride. You stepped up, my son. You gave your great grandfather a loving passage from this world, then you held your grandpa while he tried to work through the rush of emotions. Tucked him into bed and snuggled him close, whispering softly in his ear each time emotions, dreams or sadness threatened to smother him.

My son, I don’t know what your life would have held if your mother had lived, but I do know that our lives would never have been so full of love and life without you, because you were the start of it all.

Tomorrow, we dedicate the garden at the center to your great grandfather. I know that when you stand before the crowd to honor that man that Jackson Gibbs was to everyone, you’ll once again make me proud.

I love you, my son. I am going to close this letter and I know that there will be more of these so that someday, when I leave this world, you will have something to look back on to know how much you have been loved.

Love you to the moon & back,

Dad


	2. Gianna

Dear Gianna,

I am sitting at the kitchen table, watching out the sliding glass doors as you play bubbles with Nathan. He was so excited to have a day that was just the two of you playing, he loves you so much. We all do, you are the light of our lives. 

I remember the first time I saw you, I was so heartbroken for you that I could barely function. It was because of you, that I realized just how blessed I am. Your grandfather didn’t even hesitate when I told him about you. He knew that you were going to be ours, that no matter what we had to do, you were going to have a family.

Tad, Gabe and Shelby were so excited to get a new sister. I know the boys understood that prognosis that they gave you. That didn’t bother them one bit. What bothered them was the fact that you were in that hospital, all alone. I can still recall the conversation from the boys like it was yesterday. Gabe whispering to Tad that he hoped you liked us. Tad whispering back that the love in their hearts would be what you loved. Oh, how he was right. Shelby instantly loved you, she had a sissy.

I was looking at pictures from those days in the hospital. Your bald head, your ghostly pale features, the light in your eyes, the smile on your face and the laughter. Do you remember the nurses that stood at the door sobbing the first time they heard you laugh? Such a joyful noise from a precious child.

I never told you how scared that I was to love you. Loving you was so easy, but I knew that I was going to have to let go. Watching you sleep, the first night I stayed with you, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. How would I say goodbye to this beautiful child? How could I live once you were gone? I watched the monitors, I couldn’t see the life draining from your body, you were so happy and radiated so much joy and love. You were going home with us, to be ours. 

On the way home after the first time we met, the boys were so taken with you. Tad wanted to go to heaven with you. He had his boy scout compass ready to find the way in case you needed it. He actually didn’t want you to go. Your brother was going to get a job so that he could work really hard to make sure you didn’t die. Once he found out that wasn’t how it worked, he vowed to make sure you didn’t get lost.

Do you remember the boys building you stairs out of rocks? They wanted to make your first few steps that would take you to heaven. I remember when they pulled you out of that ambulance, the pain that tore through my chest as I watched them doing CPR to try to save you. Selfishly, I wanted you to fight and hang on. When I was in the waiting room, I wanted to scream and shout. I wanted to beg you to fight, because I didn’t want to say good-bye. Then, it hit me.. what if CPR worked, what kind of pain were you coming back to. The anger that boiled over in me. We had only been family a few short days but you were my daughter and I couldn’t fix all that was wrong with you.

Make me look pretty for Jesus, I can’t get those words out of my head. They haunt me at times. How beautiful you looked, my baby girl. Your special dress, fancy hat and those white boots that Rachel brought you. The monitors told us that it was time, the numbers were slowly going lower and lower, the reality that you were slipping from us.

A heart, I couldn’t stop crying. They had a perfect match for you. The doctor said that it was like God had hand picked it just for you. I couldn’t argue with that, baby. You were unconscious, moments away from death and there was hope rekindled.

I still feel the stifling panic that was boiling inside me as we waited for news. Hours ticked by, I didn’t know if you were alive or dead. I didn’t know if you knew how much we loved you and if that was going to be enough to make you want to stay. When the doctor came out with a smile on his lips and tears on his lashes, I knew that there were big plans for your future written someplace, because you were a miracle.

Your future is going to be so bright, sweetie. I listen to you talk about the books you read and I can imagine you being anything in this world because you have heart and imagination. Right now, as I watch you play with Nathan, I pray that God’s grace is plentiful enough that it blesses you with a family because you are going to be one fantastic mom. You have so much love to give and deserve so much in return.

Yesterday, we dedicated the bench in the butterfly garden at Nathan’s Nest. I listened to you sing for the crowd that had gathered. I didn’t know that voice was in that pint sized body, pumpkin. What a glorious sound and I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house. 

You set my life to music, Gianna. Every single day that I am alive to share another day with you, I am blessed. You have taught me to look at death as the next chapter, not the end. You have shown me that as long as you show kindness, that your world can be a little brighter. 

I think one of the greatest lessons I have learned from you is to live as if today is your last day. Live a life that is good so you can look forward with joy and back without regret. We can’t go back and change yesterday, but we can change how we approach tomorrow and that’s been your message for a while. 

When your biological mother showed up at Christmas, I wasn’t sure how you were going to react, it’s been a year since Nathan came to live with us and a year since you had confronted her. However, you were grace under pressure. How did you say that? “This is my family, I cannot remember when they weren’t mine and you were.” 

Baby, I hope that you always sparkle with joy, because you light up a room. Whatever path you take in this life, I know that it is going to be wonderful. You are going to touch hearts and change lives. I just hope that whatever you pick, you find the time to keep singing.

This is the first of many letters, my sweet girl. I love you so much. Thank you for allowing me to be your father, it’s such a honor.

Love,

Dad


	3. Shelby

Dear Shelby,

 

Snugglebug! You were my first baby. Did you know that before you, babies gave me hives? Literally, I would break out in a rash. Daddy was a hot mess around kids. Until I got Tad, then you. My precious little one, you taught me responsibility. When I found you, I didn’t even hesitate to take you into my arms and then my home. I have no idea where that parental instinct came from, I knew almost instantly what to do. I guess it was because it felt so right to love you.

This little life that I held in my arms was dependent on me for everything. You needed so you could grow and function. By the time you came along, I was an orphan.. just like you.. an orphan until I came along. What were you doing under that tree? Where did you come from? How is it that if we rely on science, you are mine? I know that’s is not possible, but a strange type of miracle happened and I am so happy that it did.

I look at you and I see what I have been able to accomplish in my life. Not only did I teach you to feed yourself, crawl, walk, talk, potty train you, I taught you all about love and what love feels like. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I could accomplish that. My parents were not the best role models, they never believed that I could be anything but self-involved and self-serving, much like them. Being a parent, that was never an attainable dream for me… or so I thought.

What you allowed me was a sense of purpose, accomplishment and true family. I am a dad, a good dad, Shelby. You gave me love and encouragement. You and your brothers forgave my stumbles and shortcomings. I strive to be a better person because I am your dad.

I remember the first time we took you camping. I really thought you were going to fall into the stream. You wanted to do nothing more than chase the fish and splash. My heart didn’t stop double beating until we were home for about a week. It was then that I realized how big the world is and all the dangers that there are in it. However, I have learned that I cannot shelter you from all of them, you need them to grow.

I told you what I taught you, but what you taught me was love without condition. That love is always enough. I look at your little face and know that if all our worldly possession were gone tomorrow, I’d still have my little girl. You showed me that you don’t need material things to be happy. It is the people in your life that define you. You and your brother showed me that I am not worthless, that a good parent would have found me, as I find you, to be priceless. 

Grow.. my little girls that was ruffles and black shiny shoes is now into cowgirl boots, jeans and worms. Yeah, worms…. Of all my children, I never would have pictured you to be the one that likes to hunt for our fishing worms. I don’t know if you will remember this, by the time I give you this letter, but there was a little bird thrown from the nest by the mama. You fetched worms for it for a month until the day that it spread its wings and flew, all because you loved it. 

I look at those big brown eyes and soft curls, I see a beautiful little girl with a personality that is bigger than she is tall. You are my little animal lover. Birds, kittens, puppies, frogs, bunnies and let’s not forget the skunk you tried to friend. Never lose that sense of wonder, always be the big hearted little one that you are now.

You’re grandpa’s girl, do you know how much he loves you? How many nights I have found him sitting in the rocking chair, in your room, watching you sleep. When you were a baby, he would pick you up, while you slept, and hold you close. There is something about taking in the scent of a baby to make your world feel less off balance.

I watch you playing with your baby doll and I wonder what you are going to grow up to be. As much as you like to bake, I could see you being a chef. However, as loving and generous as you are, I am still perplexed. A veterinarian is something I could foresee for your future or maybe you’ll own a zoo. 

I hope that when you are older, that you remember cuddling with your grandpa Jackson when he was feeling broken hearted. You refused to leave him until you saw the twinkle in his eye again. Who would have thought that all it would take was a day of tea parties and eating anything that you made? You were his angel, just like you are mine.

I wish that my mom could meet you, I would love her to see how beautiful that you are. Maybe, if she could see all the good that you are growing up to be, she would be as proud of me, as I am of you. Maybe that doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you are proud to be my daughter. I cannot imagine a world without you in it, Shelby. 

Whatever you grow up to be, I know that it will be something that makes me proud. You complete me, Shelby. My princess, I have nothing but gratitude and admiration for you. For all the things you have taught me, I am most grateful for the lesson of unconditional love.

 

I love you to the moon and back, my princess. 

Love

Daddy


	4. Jethro

Jethro,

I am sitting here watching you play with the kids, my kids. Twenty years ago, I walked into the bull pen, squinted against the orange and had my life changed forever. I never, in my wildest dreams, would have guessed that taking a position at NCIS would land me.. a family.

I am not talking about the family that I have now, the one where I have five beautiful children running around, a man that I love like a father sharing my home. Five years ago when I retired, I had a beautiful little boy that needed me. Did you ever picture that for me? I know you pushed me to not be like you. It hurt, Gibbs. How many times I came to you, only to have the door slammed in my face. 

Let me back up, you saved me from the plague. I was ready to give up, it was so hard to fight. I wanted the darkness that was closing in on me to swallow me whole. It hurt so much to breathe and those needles. Those damn needles. God, they hurt. You will not die, a direct order. Damn you, why couldn’t you just leave me alone to die? I hated that, not you, but that. 

It wasn’t until that fall day, when you plunged that car in the murky waters to save Maddie, that I really understood. My body was so exhausted, it hurt me to breathe after pulling Maddie from the water. You didn’t surface behind me, there was no sign of you. Jumping back in was probably the dumbest thing I could have done, I was barely able to breathe, but you were down there. 

Your eyes, I almost threw up as I struggled to break the steering column loose. Your eyes were open, Jethro. They haunted me every second. CPR, God, I was the one that breathing life into your dead body. No pulse, no respirations and your life was in my hands, your eyes open as if they were watching me. I tried so hard, begging you with each compression, praying silently with each breath. There was nothing, I had failed you. However, I knew I couldn’t let Maddie die so I left you to work on her. Success! She took a breath and I struggled to get mine. Turning toward you was the hardest thing I ever forced myself to do. Your damn eyes, still open…. You were breathing. How? I don’t know, but I was grateful.

I slept on and off for two days, I only woke up when you stepped on the creaky floor board in your spare room. Checking on me, bringing me food, fluids or medicine. The second day, I woke up to go to the bathroom and I saw you outside, covering something and placing a bush back in the hole. It tore my heart out to see you wiping tears.. standing in your own backyard. Then it occurred to me, it had to have been connected to Kelly…. You came and sat with me for an hour, doing nothing more than just watching me breathe. I understood, because I wanted to do the same with you.

Two bullets, one to the chest, one to the knee, lured to a foreign country on a manhunt; out of nowhere, shot by a kid; a brain washed kid. What kind of sick world do we live in that a child was used to almost kill you? I know you never really got over that, I don’t blame you. I don’t remember ever wanting to kill someone for the sake of revenge until that day. I always wondered how you could settle things in your head to go on these missions that left the bad guy dead at your hand. It’s one thing to be in a situation where was are facing down a barrel of a gun and killing is our only choice. It’s another to be sent on a mission where your orders are to kill.

I felt nothing when I shot and killed Daniel Budd. I wanted to feel something, I wanted a sense of relief or the fist that was clenching my gut to loosen. I shot him, he was dead and I walked away like he was trash. It took a while, but it haunted me. The only thing that got me through that was knowing that you needed me on your six, while you finished healing. The team never said a word about those long lunches I took, taking you to therapy was the only way I could work through a lot of my pain. How would I ever look you in the eye? When I think about what happened, I still can’t. I was with you, to have your back and you almost ended up a guest at the Mallard Inn. If you had died, I don’t think I could have lived with the guilt. Guilt…

Wonder what Ziva felt when she killed Ari? I know you told me that she cried. Did she cry because she shot her brother? Were the tears because now she had to answer to Eli? Or being Ziva, did the tears occur because you were right and she was wrong? I don’t know, I don’t think I even care. Ari killed Kate, he got off easy.

What do you think Kate would say to us about our family? Would it have even happened if Kate had been alive? Jimmy says that the universe has a very calculated, specific plan for us. I don’t want to know why it included Kate dying, my heart never healed.

I knew how much you loved Tad from the moment I saw you holding him in the parking lot of that mall. Everything you did for us after you put the pieces together and it was confirmed that he was my nephew. You are so good with him, he loves you so much. I think this moment is when forgiveness began. He changed both of us. You became human, not some grouchy character that we had to dance around so that you didn’t erupt. I started to feel close to you again. In the moments that followed his arrival, I got my best friend and father figure back. God, how I missed you.

Shelby’s arrival scared me for you. How could you or would you love a little girl? It only took one little nuzzle and you were gone. Head over heels in love with this precious little boo. Memories of Kelly filled your days as you watched Shelby, I could see the pain dance in those eyes. Every day, I worried about you, I worried that it was too much. I lived in fear that I was going to lose you, because you needed to retreat from the pain, but you didn’t.

Then came Gabe or as I like to call him Mini-Gibbs. What a kid! He wants to be you, wants to make you proud. You light up when he comes to you in the Marine Frame of mind. The first time they played special agent, he barked ‘we never leave anyone behind sir!’ You had to leave the room, there were tears at the corner or your eyes. Do you remember that? That made my heart sing, you were so moved by this little man. He is a blessing, he’s going to go on to do wonderful things because you inspire him.

Gianna’s impending death, I knew would crush you as much as it threatened to crush me. I knew if I was going to survive it, it would be with your love and support. What I can’t get over is that you never hesitated on bringing her home. I wasn’t sure, I didn’t know if we could handle the heart break that was going to accompany her death. How would we help Tad, Gabe and Shelby heal? You said, we’d do it together and in the next breath we were loading up the kids to go meet the newest member of our family. 

Isn’t she an amazing young lady? She’s a great big sister, she just embraced that role. How she took to Sarah and Megan; Grace adores her. They showed her all the things she needs to know to blossom into a beautiful young lady. Her heart is so big, she has dreams of being on a stage singing in front of a big audience. She also wants to do something that makes a difference for Nathan’s Nest. I think she wants to leave her mark on this world, she just doesn’t realize that she already has. The sky is the limit with her, she could be anything she sets her mind and heart to be because she is a survivor. She’s had to fight to live, now she will fight for the life she deserves. Gosh, how blessed we are that she’s been entrusted to us.

Our little Nathan, how sweet this child is. He only wanted a family, Gibbs. How sad that a four year old little boy only wanted a family. Well, he got us. He is just love in a small package. His world is so simple, his bunny and owl are his constant companions. I often wonder why, but I think to myself that perhaps it is because they were gifts from two women that love him without condition. He’s not used to that. 

His love for the Judge is so cute. How impressive is it that he knows when it’s time to Skype her? He sits in the chair, waits so patiently and when they connect, I don’t know whose face lights up more hers or his. She’s a lot like you, a prickly surface to keep from getting hurt… until she’s with a child.

I think you’d stand at the waffle maker 24/7 for that little boy. That’s his thing with you. However, I am starting to think that he’s working you up to another type of adventure with those books the two of you have been bringing back from the library. I can’t wait to take him camping, he’s going to be so in awe of everything nature has to offer.

Speaking of nature, you taught these kids about trees, animal tracks and survival. Do you know what you’ve given them? They have a set of unique skills that if the world as we know it would stop, they could manage. 

Sometimes, I think about our past and the division we experienced. I understand it now that I have these little ones in my life. You always want more for your child, you always want a world that isn’t going to taint them, hurt them or defeat them. I get that now. Everything you did, it was out of love. I just wish that it hadn’t hurt both of us so much in the process. I wish we hadn’t lost those years. Years you spent pushing me away so that I didn’t keep trying to please you. Pushing me away so that I would find my way. Funny how we ended up here, isn’t it? 

More than anything, Gibbs.. I want you to know that the man that I am now, I became because you believed in me. You were the first person to ever believe in me, the first person to every truly love me for the person that I am.

I know you wanted to leave so many times, Kelly and Shannon’s memories and the pain of their loss drawing you to the brink of death on so many occasions. How do you thank someone that has gone on before you for giving you one of your greatest blessings? If I could have a direct line to the here after, I would thank you mother for giving us you. I would thank Shannon and Kelly for always pushing you back to us.

When you had your stroke, I really didn’t think you would fight to stay this time. I think maybe, Tad fought for you. It’s been my honor to care for you during those times when you couldn’t care for yourself. It’s been my joy to celebrate the milestones of your recovery and your life. 

Everything I learned about being a man and a father, I learned from you. Thank you, Leroy Jethro Gibbs for being my dad.

As I say to my children, I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Tony


End file.
